Hospital Forms Crack Me Up

During my lunch break today, I decided to read the hospital forms I had to sign for my upcoming surgery (since I did not read them before I signed them last week) and I have to giggle at what they say, as they are actually quite funny.

The PreOperative Instructions form tells you not to bring valuables or money with you, including your purse or I.D. (keep this in mind as I'll get back to this one in a minute).

Under the heading "ON THE DAY OF SURGERY" one of the instructions is to wear comfortable clothing but just below that under the heading "ONCE YOU ARRIVE ON THE DAY OF SURGERY", it says "Upon arrival, you will be asked to remove all of your clothing and put on a hospital gown and robe". So...what the heck does it matter what I wear or how comfortable it is since I am going to be removing my clothes anyway? If I want to be truly comfortable, do I have to wear a bra?

If you are an outpatient, the form says, "Prior to discharge you will be fully awake and comfortable". Well, it is good to know that those patients will be awake when leaving...

The hospital provides you with an uuber antiseptic soap to use for several days prior to surgery to reduce the number of bacteria on the skin...apparently their antiseptic they use when prepping you for surgery isn't strong enough?

The PreOperative Skin Preparation instruction form for the special soap says, "Wash with the antiseptic soap from the neck down". This is highlighted in yellow and is the only thing on the entire page that is highlighted. It is also noted that you are to "avoid contact with your eyes, ears, and mouth". Guess that highlighted note about washing from the neck down was not clear enough...

The Surgical Patient Safety Orientation form is the one that cracks me up the most. It is two pages of bulleted items and it starts with Patient Identification. It says that your name and date of birth will be confirmed each time you sign any consent/paperwork, receive medication, or when a procedure or treatment is performed. Remember that instruction from the PreOperative Instructions form about leaving your I.D. at home? Well...how do they know who I really am if I follow that instruction? I could be anyone.

The next bulleted item is Medication Safety. They want you to tell the doctor and nurses about all the drugs you are currently taking. Pretty typical BUT it follows up with "allergies will be checked upon admission and prior to each dose". So...I do not know about you but I think I would know if I was allergic to my current medication in which I was taking before I was admitted. It ends with "upon discharge, you will be provided a list of current medication and instructions on them"...because apparently I did not know what I was taking or how to use them before I arrived.

For Fall Prevention, they tell you "your risk of having a fall will be assessed when you are admitted. If it is determined that you have a high risk of falling, protective precautions will be taken to reduce your fall risk". So...what the heck is "protective precautions" and exactly who are they protecting?

The fourth bullet is Surgical Care Improvement. Now...I don't like this one right off the bat because the word "improvement" implies that there has been a failure in this area thus the need for an improvement. It goes on to read, "Before surgery, the surgeon will mark with his/her initials the site on your body to be operated on. Site marking happens when you are awake. Make sure they mark only the correct site." Really? I am having several holes poked in my abdomen. What if I do not agree with their "suggested" marking is placed? Am I supposed to say, "No, doctor, I don't think you want to put that mark in THAT spot. Don't you think it should be about an inch higher?"

The Surgical Care Improvement paragraph continues with "the team will also do a "time out" just before surgery when you are asleep. This is done to confirm your identification (again, how do they know who I really am?) and that we are performing the correct surgery on the correct body part". Gosh, I really hope they do not mistake my stomach for something else on my body...