THIS is who I am...Defining Myself, Part 2

Three and a half years ago, my most popular post, "Defining Myself", was published. I was at a very different point in my life when I generated that first list. My eyes were wide open to so many possibilities. After just coming out of a violently abusive and controlled marriage, I reclaimed the parts of me that I allowed to be buried for the sake of others and I never looked back. 

Here it is three and a half years later, and despite the heartbreak I recently endured after my second husband told me he wanted a divorce because I gained weight, I am still holding strong to who I am as a person, I still do not defend anything that helps define who I am, and my eyes are still wide open.

It has only been two months since my divorce has been finalized but I think I am ready to open my eyes a little wider to the possibility of dating...and that scares the heck out of me.

Why?

Because I know that not everyone can handle my heartfelt truths and some may confuse my expressed emotions with being complicated or dramatic.

• I'm not perfect. 
• I over think. 
• I over analyze.
• I live in the moment but I question everything.
• I worry about things I have no control over (I am actually trying to work on this one).
• I'm part German and part Italian, which means I am stubborn and have a hot temper.
• I'm also Canadian (dual Can/Am citizen) so the flip side of the above is I am quick to apologize and I will apologize for things I haven't even done wrong.
• I still have fluffy thighs. I always will...no matter how many squats I do. I refer to them as Pete and Repeat. I apologize for them too.
• Because I am also American, I yell at (and sometimes flip off) idiot drivers on the road, freeway, or parking lots.
• I don't always talk like a lady. Especially after leg day!!
• I do not look cute after a workout and I know my clothes stink but I'll still stop at the grocery store on my way home. I don't care - I've got stuff to do.
• If I know I'm right about something, I will argue with you until I am blue in the face. However - as much as I don't like it, I will admit when I'm wrong.
• I am not high maintenance in the physical sense but I greatly appreciate reassurance in the feelings department.
• I'm loyal, patient, and very forgiving...unless you push me to the point where I no longer care. If I reach that point, all I can say is - when I'm done...I'm done...and you'll definitely know it.

I don't list these things because I think they are wrong or because I want to change them. I list them because they are part of who I am.

Losing weight gave me the confidence to embrace every side of me. Good, bad, and indifferent. After I got sick and gained back some weight, I started to lose sight of everything I had grown to embrace about myself.

Once I got back into the gym and held myself accountable, I felt like I was "home" again.

Some people go their whole lives without embracing their strengths and weaknesses. For me, it took losing 170 pounds and escaping a violent marriage before I embraced mine and I am not afraid to admit where I fall short - which in an odd way is actually a strength because not many people are willing to admit their faults.

I share my feelings and I say what's in my heart without much contemplation. Does that make me complicated? If I look at who I am as a person, I think I'm a fairly simple girl. 

• If I miss you - I'll let you know
• If I want to meet up with you - I'll invite you
• If I feel misunderstood - I'll explain
• If I have a question - I'll ask
• If I don't like something - I'll say it (politely)
• If I like something - I'll proclaim it
• If I want something - I'll ask for it (or get it myself)
• If I love you - I'll tell you

It doesn't get much more simpler than that.

To quote myself from my "Superwoman" post...

"For as long as I can remember, I have been a very strong woman.
I am determined.
I am persistent.
I push though and persevere.
If I want something, I’m not afraid to go after it.
I am not afraid to speak up or offer my opinion.
I don't let anyone stand in my way.
I am the girl who, despite wanting to fall down on the ground kicking and screaming, will look you dead in the eye and with a smile on my face will tell you that everything is good."

Again - these things define who I am. I will always wake up and choose to be happy. Even when I'm having a bad day and tears freely fall from my eyes, I will always manage a smile because I know that the moment will pass and I will keep fighting.

I was scrolling through Facebook last weekend and I came across this awesome story that I absolutely love and adore about Collin Clarke - a bodybuilder who just happens to have Down Syndrome. 

While the story doesn't define who I am, what Collin says at the end of the video defines how I am built.


In Collins words: "Never give up. When a challenge comes to you, you gotta overcome all the odds. Yeah, it might get hard. It might hurt. But you gotta keep fighting. You gotta keep pushing with everything you got."

I am a lover. I am a fighter. I am persistent, determined and loyal. I push the limits of everything I do with everything I've got.

THIS is who I am.

A very good friend recently told me that I am truly an amazingly wonderful woman and any man on earth would be lucky to have me on his side.

I know his words are true. And, whoever I date will appreciate me...just as I am.

I got this...